On Being Shy in the Fandom

Note: I wrote this mainly to go on my journal on deviantART but it got way too long, so I'm putting it here and linking to it from there. So if anything still pertains precisely to DA, sorry for any confusion!

Hi everyone. My name is Rebecca. I go by Zebeckras, and have used it absolutely everywhere for the past 17 years or so now, but generally speaking I like to be called Rebecca.

(If you're thinking "What about nicknames?" I'm not picky. I like "Becca" or "Bec", I'm not crazy about "Becky" - to me it's actually a different name than "Rebecca" - but some people use that automatically and frankly, I'm kind of flattered that they want to nickname me, so it's all good to me. You CAN call me Zeb, but like I said, I tend to use Zebeckras more as an identifier/screen name than a nickname, so I always feel like people who really know me call me Rebecca.)

I'm telling you this so that you can get to know me. :) Here are a few more facts:

1) I'm in my early 30s.
2) I have two kids and have been married for ten years this October to my first and only real boyfriend.
3) Although I like a lot of other things (often passionately - I take joy in the things I like), I write and draw almost exclusively for Darkwing Duck fandom unless someone requests something else, mainly because I find it hard to function in more than one fandom at a time.
4) I was part of the "first" Darkwing Duck fandom, which was actually a sort of unfocused Disney Afternoon fandom that initially sprung up around a group of friends that I was a part of. This "claim to fame" is meaningless and doesn't make me any more special or influential than anyone else, but I mention it as a point of trivia. :)
5) I've been writing DWD fanfics since 1994. Yep, really. You probably only met/heard of me in the past year though.
6) I like to talk to people and I like to make new friends. There aren't many things that turn me off of people, and about the only one that really matters is I dislike people who don't take responsibility for their own actions. That's about the only reason I'd avoid someone. I consider it a harbinger of Internet Dramaz.
7) I'm shy.

Hey! Maybe you're shy too! In that case pull up a chair and let's talk! :D Seriously, I'm not joking, leave me a comment if you'd like to get to know me better. :)

If you are shy, and you're not sure how to talk to people, and you're wondering why I say I'm shy but I have a lot of friends on here, maybe you'd like to know how I managed that. Most of the people I'm good friends with in DWD fandom are people I met in the past 18 months (or less, actually). If you don't care or this sounds like I'm talking down, hey, just ignore. It's cool. :) If you'd like some tips though... I'd like to help. Some people said recently in an anonymous forum that they feel really alone in the fandom and they have a hard time reaching out. That made me kind of sad and I'd like to help if I can.

So here we go.

First of all: as I said, I used to be in the fandom in the 90s. There are a lot of older authors and artists I can remember, but no, I didn't know all of them. (I did know Tracy Pierce if you're wondering. We don't keep in touch, but yes, she was amazing and a sweetheart. And yes she is still alive and is still drawing, but it's original stuff now, and yes it's still great :) I can reminisce if anyone wants me to. No? Not right now? Well, you're right, that's not what I'm writing this for. Where was I?

Oh yes. So I was in the fandom in the 90s. I found it hard though once my small group kind of went our separate ways. I joined a couple of forums but I've always had a hard time keeping up in forums. I did this off and on from about 1996 until about 2001; in 2002 I tried to join a DWD RP group on Yahoo and only lasted about a month before disappearing. (I did meet more people there including Amanda/Disneypsycho :D) Then I sort of just disappeared. I kept in touch with some of the fandom via Livejournal, and I just sort of ghosted around for a while until last year, when I started really feeling LONESOME. In a way I had felt off and on for some time, but only just REALLY lonesome - for other DW fans - now. Part of it was because I felt like I'd like more people to know my fics and my character, Beth, but part of it was just an urge to talk to other DW lovers.

So even though my earlier efforts at being in the fandom had failed, I decided I would have to put myself out there. There were a lot of new fans and I could get to know them personally if I tried, right? So I went to the Old Haunt, the forumm on the Negaverse.net site. Most of the fandom hangs out there in some way or another, even if it's just via lurking. I had never been even though I'd heard the name used several times. Maybe two weeks later I decided to bite the bullet and get a deviantART account, since I'd been spending more and more time stalking a few of the DWD fandom artists there. Initially i had like maybe ten people watching me and I didn't even plan on drawing, heh. ^^;

So, that's background. What does this have to do with making friends? You may ask. You might say to yourself, "I already KNOW I need to be social but it's hard for me! And when I do it, the conversation only goes on for so long!" So hey, don't worry, I'm getting there.

So this is what I learned in the months since September 2010. And it took me a long while. What I learned is, nearly EVERYONE ELSE in this fandom is shy, too. I went in to the Old Haunt and I introduced myself and everyone said "Hi! Welcome!" and in some cases "I know you!" And then it was quiet and I thought "Now what?" And I'd post an answer to something on a thread and wait to see if anyone replied and no one would. At first I thought "Oh man. Everyone hates me and I just killed the conversation." But actually, it was just that people aren't really paying attention to who is writing something. It depends on how open your comment is. If you ask a question you're more likely to get an answer - period. If you're just commenting or chiming in with your opinion in a sea of others doing the same, it probably won't turn into a conversation.

However, doing that repeatedly allowed other people to get to know me. We found shared interests. I met Cheeezey and learned she's a fellow "Real Ghostbusters" fan in addition to being a DWD fan. I met Seikou/Fies (depending on where you know her from) and we chatted about things we had in common.

The thing is, it took a long time. And it continued to take a long time. And it STILL takes a long time. Malicia? She was SO welcoming when I started posting. She sounded like she was really, genuinely happy and flattered to have me join the board. (Side note: I'm pretty sure she really was, too. Knowing her more personally now, I know that few things make her as happy as bringing people together into the fandom and having them participate.) But then she'd be really quiet. I thought she'd post more and she didn't. I'd wonder why no one wanted to talk to me. When I finally just came up and sort of awkwardly said to Mal "Okay, I want to be your friend and I hope that's OK" she said of course it was, and she'd been nervous that *I* wouldn't want to be friends with *her* and so she was lying low to keep from seeming pushy.

So it turns out that Mal is shy too. Go figure. O_o

Snark? I got to know her through DA. I watched her and then immediately took off all notifications of her artwork because as mentioned above, I have two young children and Snark is the notorious Porn Queen of the fandom (well, her and Moonie, lol). I noted her to explain it, and that I did love her art but would see most of it through groups and when I remembered to check her profile, and she was totally cool with it. Then we just started to talk more.

And on and on.

In almost every case I took the initiative. Because I had to. Because otherwise nobody knows you want to be their friend.

I still take the initiative, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. There are people I've sort of "stalked" and tried to be friendly with, been conversational with, and they've been nice and replied but only with a "thanks!" or maybe a longer, but not open-ended, reply. If I get that a lot, I must be honest, I stop trying. Even with people I really *want* to get to know, if I feel like I'm not making headway - it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy for me to be outgoing, even on the internet, and the only thing that refreshes that energy is getting the same in kind. After a while, I ahve to conserve my batteries.

Also, I will admit, I have lately stopped conversational comments after a point just because I don't have time (full-time job + two kids + trying to keep writing fanfic = Get Off of Internet Plz). But it DOESN'T mean I don't want to be friendly, meet new people, or any of that. It just might mean that you may need to make a bit more effort to get me to see that you want to engage me. I try - but just keep in mind, I'm shy. It's hard for me. Everyone I have mentioned being friends with here is shy. We all just try. :)

Oh, and in terms of making friends with comments, here is my suggestion: when you reply to someone's picture, if you want to be friendly with them, mention something about yourself. If they want to have a conversation, they'll respond to that as well as to your comment on their picture. If they don't, don't take it personally - they might just not have noticed. Try again later or move on to someone else. Whatever's easier for you. Just don't get discouraged. :) It doesn't ALWAYS work, of course, but a lot of the people I have become friends with on DA and elsewhere are my friends because I'm conversational in comments - and after a while of me coming in and chatting, rather than just "this is great!", they knew enough of me to start thinking of me as a friend.

So that's my secret. Steal it if you'd like, and good luck. And remember I'm always here to talk. :)